地平线啊,你为什么如此遥远! (With an English version)

关山烈

2003 年 2 月 14 日 星期五

望着略显轮廓,晨曦中的地平线,我无限惆怅。
是的,我确实在无奈中挣扎。挣扎中当然无限失望。看着本来崎岖绰约的地平线,试图弄清楚这“天”“地”如何在带着昨夜星光气息的曦微中--- 平衡的。

我不敢想昨天,因为恐怖的噩梦还留着揭示人生狰狞的余悸。我试图设身处地想着魔鬼的位置:我一直在困惑---为什么它看见的世界平衡和我看的是那样不同。明明是残杀了,毫无道理地残杀了一个无辜,却还在喋喋不休,哼哼唧唧地嘟囔着“平衡”。

是的,我是多么不幸。想起了我的同学们。林君任旅游局长,十年前拥着绿荫豪宅,车入车出。常常领命而至,介绍域外风情,学生洗耳恭听,课后欢聚,谈笑人生。刘君出任市府要员。常常电话而约,车来车往,既聊时事,又故学问。互为呼应,同学一场。罗君远派奥国,出任商务参赞,任重道远。礼尚往来。不一而足。十年了。我自己在校受同学错爱,在家赢邻里和睦,身司数职,著书立说,花好月圆。

是的,我是多么不幸。想起了明大的同班,不论黑白,各奔前程,皆大欢喜。而我则在阴暗吵杂的环境中度日如年。我是一被囚禁的动物,一头被剪光了羊毛的秃公羊。

看着墙上的母亲 -- 双眼和我一样愤怒。凭什么我们要受如此浩劫!

地平线啊,你为什么如此遥远!


Horizon

Sunny X-Y. Guan

2/15/2003

With a directionless contemplation, I was scanning the horizon that was gradually outlined by the climbing daybreak light, that was highlighted, not because of its brightness but because it contrasted its supporting darkened background of the planet. Yes, I had been struggling, and struggling desperately. Looking at the distance, where a superficially curved but actually zigzagged horizon line that was still blurring, I attempted to figure out how the “sky” and the “planet” kept a balance at dawn, which was still unclearly defined, tasted, and smelled with the last night’s starry air.

I was reluctant to recall what had happened yesterday, as the remaining fear of eye-witnessing a revelation of the evils deep in the human mind recurring in the horror nightmare still lingered on… I tried to put my position as that of Satan: but I was still very confused why the “balance” that Satan found was so diametrically differed from what I was able to detect. It was so obvious, so ostensible, that an innocent was victimized, incapacitated, and his talent was murdered, assassinated, with concocted reasons. At the same time, Satan still kept dwelling on “balance, balance!” But the sky and the planet, as we knew, were not the same thing, although, before the sunrise, we could not see the division between the two.

Admittedly, I was unfortunate. I could not help thinking about my classmates who were successfully establishing themselves even ten years ago, and I, myself, too. Lin, who was the head of Travelers’ Bureau, possessed a building surrounded by trees and bushes, car in and out, speaking about foreign sightseeing to my students. Liu, an Assistant Mayor, came and went just by a call, and we talked about current affairs and scholarships. Luo was a commercial consulate to Austria, distinguishably positioned, however, regularly connected by correspondence or occasioned his brief visit to my students, etc. I, myself, was respected by my students and got along very well with my neighbors. Published many books as an academic author.

Yes, I am so unfortunate. Think about my U of MN classmates, be White, Black, or Asian, each has had their own jobs, professions after graduation --- everybody is happy. But, I am dodging myself in a dark, noise corner, living an unpleasant life.

I looked like an imprisoned animal, a lamb with all of its wool scrapped off.

Reviewing my mother’s eyes on the photo hung on the wall, which were filled with an indignation as what I had cherished ---for what, we should be given such a catastrophe that should not befall upon us!

Horizon --- far away in the distance!






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