地平线啊，你为什么如此遥远！ (With an English version)
2003 年 2 月 14 日 星期五
看着墙上的母亲 -- 双眼和我一样愤怒。凭什么我们要受如此浩劫！
Sunny X-Y. Guan
With a directionless contemplation, I was scanning the horizon that was gradually outlined by the climbing daybreak light, that was highlighted, not because of its brightness but because it contrasted its supporting darkened background of the planet. Yes, I had been struggling, and struggling desperately. Looking at the distance, where a superficially curved but actually zigzagged horizon line that was still blurring, I attempted to figure out how the “sky” and the “planet” kept a balance at dawn, which was still unclearly defined, tasted, and smelled with the last night’s starry air.
I was reluctant to recall what had happened yesterday, as the remaining fear of eye-witnessing a revelation of the evils deep in the human mind recurring in the horror nightmare still lingered on… I tried to put my position as that of Satan: but I was still very confused why the “balance” that Satan found was so diametrically differed from what I was able to detect. It was so obvious, so ostensible, that an innocent was victimized, incapacitated, and his talent was murdered, assassinated, with concocted reasons. At the same time, Satan still kept dwelling on “balance, balance!” But the sky and the planet, as we knew, were not the same thing, although, before the sunrise, we could not see the division between the two.
Admittedly, I was unfortunate. I could not help thinking about my classmates who were successfully establishing themselves even ten years ago, and I, myself, too. Lin, who was the head of Travelers’ Bureau, possessed a building surrounded by trees and bushes, car in and out, speaking about foreign sightseeing to my students. Liu, an Assistant Mayor, came and went just by a call, and we talked about current affairs and scholarships. Luo was a commercial consulate to Austria, distinguishably positioned, however, regularly connected by correspondence or occasioned his brief visit to my students, etc. I, myself, was respected by my students and got along very well with my neighbors. Published many books as an academic author.
Yes, I am so unfortunate. Think about my U of MN classmates, be White, Black, or Asian, each has had their own jobs, professions after graduation --- everybody is happy. But, I am dodging myself in a dark, noise corner, living an unpleasant life.
I looked like an imprisoned animal, a lamb with all of its wool scrapped off.
Reviewing my mother’s eyes on the photo hung on the wall, which were filled with an indignation as what I had cherished ---for what, we should be given such a catastrophe that should not befall upon us!
Horizon --- far away in the distance!